Determined to leverage this incredible power, I extracted some useful code from a post on live-coding music with Ruby and set about my plan for world conquest. Behold the terrible power of Invader Giles:
Update: Nicolás Sanguinetti clues me in. Apparently you can in fact just do this:
say "muppet balls"
and get the same result. (But now you can also do it programmatically, without
system()calls or backticks.)